Month: January 1998

Here it is, the beginning of 1998. In a month and a half I will be 18. In 6 months I will have graduated high school. Despite the fact that to do so is to perpetrate a heinous crime against my native language, I am forced to ask myself: Where am I at? Of course I don’t mean in a physical sense, but in more of a philosophical, rambly sense. I find, however, that where I’m at is not at all where I’d like to be at.

I could recount for you all the ways in which this is true, but I’d rather not, and indeed some of them transgress the boundaries of agreed conversation. Suffice it to say that I am not happy with my level of independence and self-sufficiency. When life has given me lemons I’ve sucked on ’em, just dealt with things, and let bad things happen to me. This is not the way to success, but lemonade isn’t my style. So perhaps when life gives me lemons I’ll make lemonade without sugar and serve it next time I invite life over for lunch. Or fill life’s eye drop bottle with lemon juice. In any case, I’m left with the problem of how to go about changing my situation.

For me, the answer lies in four main goals.

• A job.
• A car.
• A life.
• My own home.

The first three can be achieved within the year with a little careful planning and some effort to stick to the plan. The fourth, and the most important, may take a little longer. But these are what I need to acquire before I can truly say that I am happy with where I am in life. I’ll go through and detail what they each mean to me now.

A job.

I need a job. I need the money. It’s not for the objects and possessions that money can buy, however, but for the independence that money can buy. I need to feel that I am able to support myself, that I can survive in the world alone. I need to be able to pay my own bills, to be able to buy my own food, my own groceries, to be able to spend money – MY money – without being accountable to anyone for where it goes.

A car.

I need a car, once again, for the freedom it brings. I need the freedom to go where I need to go quickly, without waiting for a bus or having to rely on someone else for transportation. I need the freedom to be able to leave town and take a vacation when I need one, and to be able to go to other parts of California if I want to or need to for some reason.

A life.

This one is harder to explain, but I’m sure that since anyone reading this is a citizen of the Internet, you’ll all understand that the Internet has a tendency to reduce actual face-to-face interaction with human beings. In my case, I can’t afford it. I need to be around people more, to get used to human beings. Being a hermit was a goal for me when I was younger, but now I find that it’s not as appealing as it was then.

My own home.

Not necessarily a house, not necessarily owned by me, but a place to live that is mine, that I keep up myself, in which there are no TVs on at midnight to keep me awake, in which there’s no one to be obligated to except myself, and in which I can live undisturbed by others when I wish to.

As I said, the first three are goals for the year. The fourth may take longer, but they all need to happen. I’m not the type to make New Year’s resolutions, because everyone knows they never really happen anyway. But it’s the beginning of my 18th year on the planet, and I want to have something to show for it when I begin my 19th year. These goals are not resolutions, they’re serious. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go out for a while. Mom’s driving.